Whatz up Thursday,
There is a cold streak that has covered the northeast this week and it made me think about fear. Plus all the news is filled with the corona-virus scare.
So what do we do with fear?
I have found that for the most part the best thing to do is accept that you have it and it is real.
Fear is a natural thing, and can be a clear tool in your body telling you to take a step back, slow down and get some information.
All my life I have felt fear. I was raised in a family that had no use for fear and it was confusing at times. “Just do it,” was the mantra. So I had no time to think, I had to just do.
It is only in my later years that I have learned to embrace fear and listen to my intuition for myself to make an informed decision.
Being taught to leap first then adjust in the situation as needed, is valuable. I am thankful, because I would not have experienced many of the things I’ve done if I let fear stop me.
Here are a few tips.
Life could get more colorful.
What do you think?
This video made me smile. It was taken in a village in India in which this dog comes every week to sing in the temple with fellow devotees. We are all the same, just might speak in different languages.
Wow this week I need to run wild through the ocean waves while howling like a wolf.
My belief is, to have a healthy interaction, everyone must be able to speak and be responsible for only one’s self.
Questions like, “Do you need help? Can I help you?” shows awareness and empathy for another.
We need more of this!
But what do you do when questions are offered and the other person has not asked for anything?
I have been hearing this question often from strangers. As an individual who has recently been using an assistive device to get around in this crazy world of ours, I need to give a perspective from a squiggly or someone who is challenged.
We all may have difficulty asking for help. Yet, when one has not asked, if someone offers it, it can make one feel not part of the tribe known as human.
Try to not ask unless there is a clear situation in which the person needs it. Example, I was coming home on the metro rail. I ride an electric scooter and as I was trying to get into the car, the ledge for entry was not high enough and I got stuck. A gentleman jumped up and helped me into the car safely before the doors closed. Compare that to, I was coming out of the elevator to wait for the next train. An individual walked over and asked if I was going up to the street? As a courtesy, I said “no, but if you are asking how to get up to the street, you can look at the posted signs.”
Her response was, “No, it was for you. You looked like you needed help.”
Huh? I never asked you for help? What if she said, “Do you need help getting up to the street?”
Then, I could have said, “No, thank you. Or “Yes, “please help me with…”
Treat everyone with respect. Ask questions.
Let the other person in the interaction be responsible for their part.
Do not make judgements.
There are many things that make us unique. If you do not communicate by asking questions, like offering help when someone has not asked, it can be perceived as placing yourself above the other person. But if you ask questions, everyone is honored. It is pure communication.
We all are navigating our own lanes. I do not have time to navigate my lane and respond to your concern if I have not indicated or shown a need for help. Ask Questions.
If you disagree, I would love to hear from you.
This one I am feeling the need to do, more than usual this week. If you see yourself as a Squiggly Line and have been told you follow the beat of your own drummer, this need for setting boundaries is so important. Do you often get a crinkled brow, look of confusion and response of “ok whatever, no worries?” Or have you experienced, the most difficult one, silence.
Relationship forming takes time, it can be messy and uncomfortable but if you want a good one, be sure to be clear with communicating your needs and always BE YOU.
Even if you are not a Squiggly Line, the idea of a boundary is letting another know your needs and voicing your own comfort level.
Example: a love interest asks you on a date. The date is in another city and thus you will have to spend the night to attend the date. You have no money and you are recovering from another relationship. Or you are asked to attend an event and getting calls from friends encouraging that you come. Yet, you are drained from work, family and life.
You know in your gut, going on this date will make you uncomfortable, even though you really want it…and if you do not recover your sleep and general well-being, attending an event will just drain you more.
So what is your boundary?
Setting and telling your clear needs by communicating as soon as able. Use words “I need …” and as mentioned in an earlier post, it is ok to say “let me get back to you.”
Done, you have set your boundary. And it clearly honors your needs. You will know this in your gut.
In addition, if you have “challenges” with good days and bad days based on health, boundaries are essential. For me, the biggest boundary I need is a feeling of honor in a relationship. I need one to show up, communicate. This shows me you have an interest in the relationship.
I must plan all activities, be able to dictate my own flow and if I clearly express a need and ask for a response….I need one to be real.
Shit happens, of course, but if it does, just communicate.
Let me be in the conversation, so if things happen I can feel honored and plan around it. I do not want to chase you for a response or worse have you show up after I chased you, just to make me happy. Since I need a relationship of honor how is this honoring you? Are you sacrificing your needs just to fulfill a commitment?
This week, I have felt dishonored. I asked for help and when I followed up I was told, “I forgot, I was ill, no worries I will be there.” Also, I had a person plan a visit and show up hours later than planned for without telling me the reason for being late. I asked to reschedule and when they came, they said, “we ran behind, we had other commitments, but we are here now.”
Honestly, I had other commitments too, I wasted my whole day waiting. So yeah, in their mind, they helped and showed up. Yet, it could be interpreted as ”yes, we had a commitment but it will happen on my schedule not yours because I am the one giving, so you need to be flexible. Relax.”
Hence, I feel not honored, not heard, you are not being real. But I did not clearly communicate.
People cannot read minds, so all you can be responsible for is communicating your needs. If someone does something that makes you feel bad, one must not allow this behavior to continue in building the relationship. Mainly, we all want to be honored in our requests.
In many cases, it is just miscommunication.
So just take note, never apologize to make it….more comfortable, and then try and ask again.
But if another opportunity arises involving the one you got a bad feeling about, make sure your needs are clearly communicated. “I need…..”
Of course, if after you set the boundary and it is not met, you feel uncomfortable and not honored in the relationship, you will know now, what to expect.
It is important, regardless to say thank you.
Recognize the behavior and move on. Never compromise on your boundaries. If it is honored, then you feel good and all will be in balance.
If not, then move on, no looking back, no self-questioning, it is not you.