This one I am feeling the need to do, more than usual this week. If you see yourself as a Squiggly Line and have been told you follow the beat of your own drummer, this need for setting boundaries is so important. Do you often get a crinkled brow, look of confusion and response of “ok whatever, no worries?” Or have you experienced, the most difficult one, silence.
Relationship forming takes time, it can be messy and uncomfortable but if you want a good one, be sure to be clear with communicating your needs and always BE YOU.
Even if you are not a Squiggly Line, the idea of a boundary is letting another know your needs and voicing your own comfort level.
Example: a love interest asks you on a date. The date is in another city and thus you will have to spend the night to attend the date. You have no money and you are recovering from another relationship. Or you are asked to attend an event and getting calls from friends encouraging that you come. Yet, you are drained from work, family and life.
You know in your gut, going on this date will make you uncomfortable, even though you really want it…and if you do not recover your sleep and general well-being, attending an event will just drain you more.
So what is your boundary?
Setting and telling your clear needs by communicating as soon as able. Use words “I need …” and as mentioned in an earlier post, it is ok to say “let me get back to you.”
Done, you have set your boundary. And it clearly honors your needs. You will know this in your gut.
In addition, if you have “challenges” with good days and bad days based on health, boundaries are essential. For me, the biggest boundary I need is a feeling of honor in a relationship. I need one to show up, communicate. This shows me you have an interest in the relationship.
I must plan all activities, be able to dictate my own flow and if I clearly express a need and ask for a response….I need one to be real.
Shit happens, of course, but if it does, just communicate.
Let me be in the conversation, so if things happen I can feel honored and plan around it. I do not want to chase you for a response or worse have you show up after I chased you, just to make me happy. Since I need a relationship of honor how is this honoring you? Are you sacrificing your needs just to fulfill a commitment?
This week, I have felt dishonored. I asked for help and when I followed up I was told, “I forgot, I was ill, no worries I will be there.” Also, I had a person plan a visit and show up hours later than planned for without telling me the reason for being late. I asked to reschedule and when they came, they said, “we ran behind, we had other commitments, but we are here now.”
Honestly, I had other commitments too, I wasted my whole day waiting. So yeah, in their mind, they helped and showed up. Yet, it could be interpreted as ”yes, we had a commitment but it will happen on my schedule not yours because I am the one giving, so you need to be flexible. Relax.”
Hence, I feel not honored, not heard, you are not being real. But I did not clearly communicate.
People cannot read minds, so all you can be responsible for is communicating your needs. If someone does something that makes you feel bad, one must not allow this behavior to continue in building the relationship. Mainly, we all want to be honored in our requests.
In many cases, it is just miscommunication.
So just take note, never apologize to make it….more comfortable, and then try and ask again.
But if another opportunity arises involving the one you got a bad feeling about, make sure your needs are clearly communicated. “I need…..”
Of course, if after you set the boundary and it is not met, you feel uncomfortable and not honored in the relationship, you will know now, what to expect.
It is important, regardless to say thank you.
Recognize the behavior and move on. Never compromise on your boundaries. If it is honored, then you feel good and all will be in balance.
If not, then move on, no looking back, no self-questioning, it is not you.